Dude, let me help you get lucky


Dear Men,
Have you ever wondered what your woman really wants? Have you ever taken the time to think of a way to show her your appreciation for all that she does to make your life easier? Screw that. Have you ever wondered how to turn her from a homicidal Martha Stewart into a playful Jenna Jameson? Here’s the secret to making a woman feel loved, appreciated, and open to a little (or a lot of) hanky panky.

CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Get your filthy underwear off the floor. Don’t just put your dishes in the sink if the dishwasher is empty. Put dinner away. Hell, cook dinner.

It’s really not that hard guys. Women aren’t the complex creatures we’ve been made out to be. Yes, our definitions are different than yours. Our expectations are different than yours. (Ok, so we’re a little complex). WE ARE DIFFERENT THAN YOU! Dude, that’s part of the reason you like us. If you want our girl parts to do stuff with your boy parts, please take this letter to heart.

We appreciate everything you do for us, and we do our best to show you that appreciation. We remember when you mentioned, 2 years ago, that you’d like to see Nine Inch Nails live again. That’s why we surprised you with those tickets. We didn’t forget when your mom told us your favorite childhood sweet was Aunt Peg’s chocolate cream pie. That’s why we spent 6 hours on a Saturday, sweating our ass of in your mom’s attic (wondering how hard it would be to get her on Hoarders) looking through 40 years of accumulated crap to find dearly departed Aunt Peg’s recipe. We are thoughtful, considerate creatures, and we love you.

We also understand that you aren’t (through no fault of your own) thoughtful or considerate. We overlook it on a daily basis. We let it slide when you blow off eating dinner with us to watch the game in the other room. We don’t let it bother us when you don’t remember (even though we’ve been talking about it a lot) that the super important thing that has given us anxiety for weeks, was today. We get that these things don’t mean that you don’t love us, even when we hide in the bathroom to cry, or tackle that pan from dinner with inhuman strength so we don’t punch you in your stupid, thoughtless head.

We get you. Now it’s your turn.

I’m not promising that these tips will have you bumpin’ uglies tonight. I don’t know how big the sexless hole is that you’ve dug for yourself. These things will help though. Please believe that we think about gettin a little sumthin sumthin way more than we’re given credit for. We want a little slap and tickle, we’re just too tired to show it.

Tip One
Don’t wait until we’re half way through a household tast to ask if we need help. Trust and believe, we’ve already creatively cursed you out. It really is a good thing you can’t read our minds. By this point, your beheading would be more welcome than your help. However…..

Tip Two
…this does not mean you can’t find something else that would be helpful. On your own. Without asking what else needs to be done. For real. You live in this filth. You created this filth. How is it that you can’t see what needs to be done without being told? There is always something that needs to be done. If you’re really not able to think of anything, sweep the kitchen floor. Yep. It’s simple. It’s fast. It’s one less thing we have to do. (It’s a little more energy we’ll have between the sheets)

Tip Three
Don’t ever, under ANY circumstances, make any kind of comment about a mess we’ve made. Don’t draw attention to it. Don’t look at it. Ignore the mess. We are allowed to make messes. YOU are not. Let me explain that. Historically speaking, who cleans up after the kids? We do. Who cleans up after you? We do. Who does the majority of the cleaning? We do. So, it’s safe to say we’ll clean up our mess, right? Right. So just shut up.

Tip Four
We love positive attention, but you knew that already. This is the simplest tip to follow. It should go without saying. Maybe you already do this, and kudos to you if you’re that guy. Tell us something nice about us. Not the house or dinner. Us. “Boy honey, that kitchen counter sure is clean” is not going to help get us in the mood as much as giving us a hug and telling us our hair smells nice. Squeeze our hand and tell us how soft our skin is. And a never fail compliment – we look nice in that color. Delivery of the compliment isn’t all that important. We don’t need you to longingly look into our eyes. In fact, that creeps some of us out (me!). It really is the thought that counts. Just hearing the words, and knowing that you noticed something nice about us can go a long way in improving our day and your sex life.

Tip Five
If there are kids involved in your relationship (it doesn’t matter if they’re hers, his or ours) have your woman’s back. I’m not saying you should jump in and involve yourself unless you know for sure that’s what she wants. What I’m saying is simpler than that. Support her. After a screaming match with a difficult 3 year old, tell her she did a good job not giving in. Hell, a smile and a nod during the battle is enough to boost our bruised and battered mommy heart sometimes. When our teenagers, in their struggle to define themselves, have torn us apart to the point that we want to run and never stop, help us remember the good we’ve given them. Remind us that our babies eventually come back to us, and all of the struggles, sleepless nights and gray hairs are worth the definition they will find when they’re ready. When our children become kind, compassionate and thoughtful adults, remind us that we did that.

Now, how do these tips help Mr. Happy get some much needed and (I’m sure) much deserved attention? It’s really simple. We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. Not just our world. We carry your world, the kid’s world, our boss’s world, our best friends world on our shoulders. Picture that weight as a chastity belt made out of unbreakable puzzle pieces. Each worry, stressor, obligation, chore, duty, unmatched sock is a piece of the belt that’s preventing you from getting a piece of ass. If you can help rid us of these heavy puzzle pieces, the belt will fall off much faster.

Science, or something, has proven that we are emotional beings. By following these tips, you’re helping our emotions guide us in a happier direction. You’re acknowledging our struggles. You’re showing us that you care by taking some of this weight away. It’s a lot easier to get our pants off when the weight is lessened.

One last tip –
Please don’t let her know that sex is your only motivation for doing something nice for her. If it really is your only motivation, maybe you should reevaluate your relationship. If you can see the trip to funky town as an added bonus to making your lover happy, that’s probably the better way to go. However, if sex is the bigger motivator, hide it. Lie. Whatever you do, don’t show your frustration if the tips take a while to work. You never really know how many pieces make up her belt.

I wish you all the best. You have it in you to conquer these tips and discover a few more on your own.


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1 Response to Dude, let me help you get lucky

  1. derzafanistori says:

    Great piece of reading. I love how your values shine through you choice of stuff to react to in this story of “battle of sexes” 😉

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